You think you know someone; but do you ever really even come close to knowing them. People are complicated. We wear masks. If I were to say that it is a single layer, i would be kidding. We wear a myriad of masks. Some of these masks go so deep into our souls that in the pursuit of hiding who we really are from everyone around, we end up fooling ourselves the most.

I have tried removing the masks and living like me. Oh yes!! I did that. And I feel that they were the only 28 days of my life that I truly lived at all. If I were to put all the days of my life on one side of a balance and just those few days on the other side, the balance would tip in favor of the latter! But, being vulnerable enough to live mask free comes with a price. And a HUGE one at that. A price I am still paying.

Because without armor, without protective suits we are injured the worst.

Saudade

It begins as just another dream, feeble like a wisp of smoke; unreal and idyllic. But isn't that how all dreams start, in the deepest wallows of our hearts, which is home to the strongest, most carnal desires. And the wisps of smoke continue to rise, seeping their way into the strong barriers our hearts have constructed over time; to protect us from emotional trauma. A survival instinct on our behalf.

Often, we are so hurt by those we love, that we tend to turn bitter and angry; forgetting that the bitterness eats our own soul from within. Our hearts turn numb and cold. It is at times like these that we must seek forgiveness from those that we may have unintentionally wronged. Forgiving others and also more importantly forgiving ourselves leads to inner peace. Our grief is just love that has no place to go. Stay grateful and look for the silver lining in bleak situations, remaining cognizant of the fact that it is during challenging times that we grow the most emotionally. Keep your heart in the right place and watch it blossom.

Musings on Love

I have always believed that love is an art of letting go. It's knowing that you're hurting, when your breath is hitching in your chest, your stomach has a permanent knot in it and your heart is weighing you down and beating erratically, completely out of sync with the rest of your body but you still choose to let go of everything with grace. One has to understand the difference between attachment and love; two terms that are quite different but are often confused. Love should be about caring for the other persons happiness and putting their wants before ones own. It is about wishing that the other person gets in life what he/she wants, what makes them happy and what brings them fulfillment; knowing in your heart that it might mean that you may never come in the picture. It's not about bringing your own ego or your wants on the table. 

The thing is that we have no control over someones feelings; just like we can't control ours. And we can choose to overflow the other persons cup with love, care, respect and all that we can afford to give but it might never be enough for them because they don't value what you're giving or feel the same way towards you. Humans are wired weirdly that way. One person may give us everything and it wont matter to us as much as a single smile from a person that we care about. Love isn't supposed to be selfish. If our love depends on our expectations being met or comes with the entitlement of reciprocity from the other person, then we need to stand back and evaluate what we're feeling. Don't get me wrong, committing to a person and sharing a relationship does come with its fair share of expectations and responsibilities, just like any agreement in life does, but love by it self does not carry such expectations. 

The truth, however is that even if you know this in your heart, it still takes enormous amounts of effort and strength to stand back and convince your heart to let go. It takes effort to love with no expectations in return, apart from the hope that he/she gets the most beautiful things in life. It sucks the life out of your soul, which takes quite a beating but it is the right way to go. 

Came across this quote somewhere and it really struck a chord.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

You back off!
Build up your walls!

You make a cocoon of safety in your own mind to reside in, for you desperately need it. For once, you have to be self centered and reflect on things that bring you peace or those that do not. And slowly and gradually, you need to pluck them off. The ones that kept scratching at your half healed wounds so that they kept oozing despite your frantic efforts to heal them. It is gut wrenchingly hard to walk away especially from those who were once immensely significant. But for the sake of gaining something, sometimes it is equally important to let somethings go.

Disclaimer: This is just a long rant. Proceed at your own risk.

Some things are never said. Some topics never breached. Yet, they exist in your soul like the very air you breathe in. You hold them close to you, even if they hurt, you still hug those memories. Because, in the delicate threads of those moments lies a part of you. A part that was changed forever. A part that is changed for good.

Very rarely in our lives, do we come across people who influence us so much that they change the very fabric of our being. And, I believe even if the process of change is painful in itself, it is something that's always positive. It's something that is part of our growth.

But what about when you can't get closure from a certain situation. What if it keeps chipping away at your peace over and over again until you feel suffocated in your own body. You feel that you'd only breathe if you could transverse the realm of your own flesh and when your body feels like a prison in itself because you're choking on your breaths and your heart is the very thing that is weighing you down. It's almost been 9 months. Nine long and arduous months since my mind is going in circles and I can't get out of this.

I never opted for this. I didn't plan this. In my long list of things I had jotted out for myself, this didn't exist. But it happened, and it happened so loudly that it shook me to my very core. I have cried and I have prayed but I see no relief. Sometimes, I feel it's better to just say everything and clarify any confusions. But, in a world where we have developed these unspoken rules of what's acceptable and what's not, I feel this would border on inappropriate for some people. And, thus in the very fear of saying the wrong things, we lose people and we lose moments, just trying to uphold our imaginary self importance and giving up on our chance at happiness in the process.

Peace out!!